The Apprentice Series 4 - Episode 4


Simon


Simon says, get yourself on my couch!

The Task The teams have to go to Blue Water shopping centre (Europes’ largest apparently), take portraits of as many people as possible and make as much money as possible. The teams can only accept payment when the photos have been processed.
Introduction The collection of Wallys went to the Wallace collection to look at the photography and for reasons best known to herself Lucinda is in full evening dress. SAS warns them that he is very unhappy with the amount of “rifts and gangs” within the teams so splits up the girls and boys.
Rennaissance Simon suggests he leads the team (Sara, Michael, Alex, Jenny, Jenny, Claire) since he knows all about not only shutter speeds and tripods but also Blue Water shopping centre… erm… an obvious choice then! After some reluctance the team agree and Alex backs away from the second in command position, allowing annoying Claire to step up. The theme is ‘Glamour’, not necessarily evident from the tacky collection of satin throws and pikey sofas. They then decide to add more ‘Glamour’ by dressing the customers in Simon’s clothes and giving them a makeover. Simon and Claire begin their tiff over champagne flutes, she says she doesn’t think Simon is “stewpeed”, which is just as well as apparently he has an IQ of 170. Simon however, is clearly going to end up in the boardroom as he says this is the perfect opportunity for him to turn things around… generally heralding the beginning of the end. They then completely mess up the order forms and have no idea who ordered what. Claire is therefore responsible for describing the customers, who are mostly blonde haired and orange complexioned, so it is pretty tricky. In the processing room they are well behind AND creating the wrong products, so Simon stops taking orders. Simon creeps off for a private weep and the bastard camera crew follow him.
Simon says, Alex has a malevolent face. Simon says, “Listen Babe”. Simon says “can you stop what you are doing and listen to me for a second”. Simon says, “we are looking like idiots”… no comment!
Alpha Helene offers to lead the other team (Kevin, Raef, Lindi, Lucinda, Lee) and Lucinda admits to not even being able to use a mobile phone (which is shocking for one who talks so much!). Alpha, plump for a celebrity look-alike theme providing much comedy viewing, including a Britney Spears-alike who frankly looks more like Vanessa Feltz. Surely an SAS look-alike would have been hilarious but instead they go for a David Beckham-alike. Helene puts Lucinda (technophobe) in charge of processing, I can only assume this was a cynical attempt to ensure Lucinda was fired. After just three hours, they work out how to print and decide a sheet of A4 is good enough (for £14.99 are you kidding). Lucinda and Helene begin to bicker and I begin to wonder if there is a human alive that can get on with Lucinda. Helene has a go a Lucinda for not doing her job, but it appears that Helene’s job is simply to have a go at Lucinda.
Boardroom After more bickering between Lucinda and Helene, Lucinda admits she is “technically totally useless” and we are left wondering if the statement would be more accurate without the word “technically”. SAS says he is in technology (no… really?) and Simon is clearly edging Claire into the ‘Firing line’.
Alpha actually make a profit of £145 but Renaissance pulls in a loss of £73.81. Alpha’s ‘treat’ is to be sent off sailing around the Isle of Wight trying to look like they are having fun in the freezing cold, when probably all they want to do is sleep.
Boardroom II Simon drags in Claire for being undermining and Alex for “stepping back” from responsibility. Both Margaret and SAS tell Claire that she treats people with no respect. Margaret accuses Alex of stepping so far back from responsibility he was practically out of the room (loving this new feisty Margaret btw!). Alex says Claire should be fired. Claire says Simon should be fired. Alex says nothing has become personal…
SAS sends Claire away and saying “I am sick of looking at you” (aren’t we all) and then fires poor Simon “with regret” for being out of his depth. Simon then thanks SAS for the experience and rather touchingly pats Alex on the back and says “go for it”.
You're Fired Simon is really gracious, articulate and funny on the programme. He is eventually persuaded by Adrian Charles to say that he is a winner! Terry O’Sullivan says; Simon would be on his team anytime, did a bloody good job, agrees that having a laugh in photography is key and rather outrageously says all the girls are useless. There is a fantastic montage of Lucinda and Helene along with the “thorn in my side” soundtrack. Fiona Glover reckons that Jenny is not actually human and is built from parts of previous Apprentice winners. Trevor says he loves the skulduggery as do we all. The audience definitely do NOT like Claire. Fiona neatly sums up Claire by saying she thinks she’s this feisty Apprentice winner and in actual fact she’s just a stroppy dollop!
Simon Smith I am gutted Simon is gone already but I love the fact that he said if he had to stab people in the back to win, then he didn’t want to win. My fave Simon quotes this week were: calling Sir Alan, Alan (he might as well have called him ‘mate’), “Alex might look like he combs his hair with a firework, but he is a good guy” and “sky is blue, grass is green and the women are orange”.
Helene Speight Still doesn’t appear to have a good word to say about anyone and points out at the end that people will rate her on her performance… oh they certainly will Helene.
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